pain

I have experienced pain like no other this past week when I hurt my back doing yard work. I'm not sure how and why this happened but I could not believe the horrible timing for this to happen. I'm in the process of trying to sell my house and find a new career or new employment since being laid off in February. I was trying to do some things to make the yard look better and do some much needed grass cutting and bam! I stated bumbling about while I was trying to use the weedeater and man did I feel the pain.

I lost all kinds of cool points around Nai because I cried my heart out in front of her because of the intense pain. She admitted that seeing me cry made her afraid. I guess seeing my mean butt cry like a baby made her realize that I had feelings just like her! I had to lean on her heavily over the weekend because I couldn't do anything with out crying or being in pain. I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all weekend and she ate leftovers or noodles.

This happened to me when I was pregnant but it didn't last so long because I saw a therapist right away. The second time, I saw a therapist and I can't remember how long I was in pain but I don't think it was this bad. I feel like my lower back and spine is trying to fall apart at times. The crazy thing is in two weeks I will loose my health benefits and what will i do then?

My comfort zone is totally gone I feel so fearful but I am trying my best to stay faithful and believe that God will see me through my difficult times. I am a victor and not a victim. I guess at least through my hard times I am getting closer to God like I had always told myself I would do.

Laters,

Ho Hum

Well, its another boring day but blessed day in my world. We had a showing today and we had one yesterday but again the floor plan and backyard is not impressing anyone. I really hope my mortgage company will accept the terms that the one person who wants this house applied. The way I see it, they may loose money either way but at least they will get something if the house sells. I hope it does.

On the job front nothing is going on for real. I did have some interest yesterday but it was for a job in Dallas but the hours were between 1pm to 1am second shift. I'm not doing that. The pay was 10 bucks and I would have to have extra daycare for Nai. So not great. Well, if one company wants me maybe another will be interested. I just wish I would get up off my duff and just to write, to finish what I have started and see what happens!

The positions for copywriter and technical writer seem to be off my radar since I don't have any experience in those fields. I need get it together!!!!

Peace

moving on

Well, I went to see the housing counselor again today to finish up some prep paperwork for in case we get a buyer. I'm trying my best to stay hopeful, faithful and upbeat about this hold procedure but it is hard. I still don't know what I should do about trying to move or just stay and hope if I go for this teacher gig that I will have a job and still be able to make payments until a buyer is found.

For things to be complete I am praying for a buyer cause I don't want to walk away and get a major ding on my credit. I seriously need a budgeting class and to let go of some of the amenities like cable, Internet and phone to reduce my expenses. These are things I have been looking at for a while but just don't want to get rid of cause I'm being difficult. I guess as Dave Ramsey says, If you want to live like no one else; you have to live like no one else.

There are so many things that needs to be done to the house to make it look better but I just don't want to spend the money or put the work in. Shoot if I had put the work in two years ago stuff wouldn't be so bad. Well, as Joel Osteen would say stop looking in the past and move forward. That is why the post is called moving on. I am gearing myself up to move on and try to move upward. Get things in line to be better for Nai and I. I just pray I have the strength to do the things I know need to be done.

Peace

suckage

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't feel right today for some reason. Is there a change going on in me that is going to make stuff better or maybe I'm just being paranoid or something.

I know I say this every time but I just don't know to do with myself. I'm scared, scared, scared...

where is the desire to be something, someone. I feel like I am dying inside everyday. you know, it is getting to the point where I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. what good is it doing me? I don't know what else to do though. what steps should I take to get out of this rut?

I started reading some books on spirituality. I know, I sound desperate. This is something that I have been meaning to to do. I hope it makes me feel better, gives me a sense of purpose to get me out of this slump. I feel so selfish thinking only of myself all the time.

feeling stagnant

I feel like my life is standing still right now. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing right now. Good because nothing too too bad is happening and making life altering changes at the moment. In other words, I'm still unemployed but still in the house. Had someone who seemed to be interested in the house but I guess they didn't want the potential problems or they just plain ole found something better for them. More power to them!

On the other hand it could be a bad thing because as I said, no offers on the house yet so I'm still under the weight of the house and still unemployed. On the other hand, we have our health! On that note, this pain in my left leg is really starting to feel weird. I don't know what it is about. When I went to the doctor last year for physical she didn't even address the pain just set me up to draw blood and make me pay for blood work over 300 bucks for vitamin deficiencies. If you ask me, she defeated the purpose of me going there. Yes she pointed out stuff that is a problem but she didn't address everything. Plus, I want to go to the doctor for a physical before medical runs out but I don't want to spend the money on the blood tests! Catch 22 huh?

You know, this post was supposed to be about life in progress but as I stated in the title: my life is stagnant. I'm trying to see this situation in a positive light. As a way to turn this all into a positive. I've been complaining about my job for ever it seems. Now I have the opportunity to find something else to do. Well, it aint' exactly panning out like I hoped. I have had the desire to be a published, successful writer for a long time but I'm to scared to push myself to try it. I start stuff but I don't finish anything. My set up is right. If I didn't have this house note over my head maybe I could take the time to write but on the real, sitting at home everyday jumping at every sound is driving nuts.

I guess I'm going to stop right now. I feel kind of wonky right now.

Peace

Today is the day?

Here I am sitting in the house again. It's been a while since I have written on this blog cause I'm lazy. That there is the truth and nothing but. Since then, I've been laid off, may lose my house or walk away from it or something. I want to stay but there are things pushing me away from it. All I wanted was simplicity when I moved down here but I have made it so hard and stupid with all the choices I have made. The worst part is I am dragging N around with this mess.

I'm watching Say Anything right now and I so don't get why people like it so much. Its okay and watchable but I don't see what is so special about it.

I feel like life is on hiatus for me right now. I don't know what decisions to make. I'm afraid to make any decisions because I'm a fraid if I decide, it will be wrong as usual and there will be another mistake for me to cry about.

My life is worth nothing right now. I feel like I'm taking up space. What is my purpose? Purpose driven life be damned. This shit is for the birds. But you know what? I'm too chicken to end it.

Okay, I guess that is all for now. No job, no prospects, I haven't been laid in 5yrs and it ain't cause I'm doing it on purpose. No one wants me, hell I don't even want me. All I want to do is eat, lay around and watch the ficticious lives of other people or read about pretend lives. What good is that?

Whatever....