?

My life is not progressing right now. It seems like I am in a downward spiral. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make anything better. I'm so afraid all the time because it seems everytime I make a decision it is always the wrong one. I need, no I crave security and right now there is not security at all. I'm temping and the work is not steady. I signed up for subbing and after two assignments I am afraid to try it aain. The kids run right over me. I said I would try the younger ones but I'm afraid to take the plunge.

How can I be a roll model for my kid and tell her to face her fears and be strong when I can't even do it? I feel so alone, so isolated and I'm so depressed all the time. I don't know who I can turn to who I can talk to. Everybody had their own problems. I just can't seem to find any answers. I just want a job that I can go to everyday and feel like I matter or that I'm accomplishing something. I don't feel like I'm doing right when I go into the classroom. How can I be a teacher? I'm grasping at straws, grasping at straws and they seem to be sliding through my fingers.

I signed up to write a book in a month. I seem to be doing okay but it seems like I am pushing the words out and it reads like crap. I really want to finish on time so I can at least said I accomplished that bad writing or not.

hmmmm?

Well, here it is another evening and I am at a loss. I've been busy packing up and taking stuff over to the duplex. I'm already tired of it but I guess I got to do what I got to do. I went to an orientation for a job program tha is free and helps you find a new job. There were other women there and I could easily see that my situation isn't as dire as theirs and I was blown away. Just when you think your life is crap you learn others may have it worse than you. I'm hoping and praying and plotting slowly to get my life on track and to get better so we can be happy and productive. Right now, I am so thankful for the tiny spot we are moving into and I just pray that a buyer or the mortgage company will work with the people interested in the house so this section of my life will be done with. We are blessed to have somewhere to go. I thank the Lord for all his blessings big and small.

What Progress?

Well, not much progress going on here except prepping for our move to the duplex. It is with a heavy and sad heart that I pack stuff into the car and take them over to the smaller place I have rented. I still can't believe things have come to this. I guess it's all my fault for not taking the steps to better my situation before the shoe finally dropped.

As usual I don't have much to say and I don't really feel like compaining because why bother. Who's reading this? Who cares?

Huh?

Well, this are progressing like a mud slide on a flat yard. This are getting muddy but no one is stepping in the puddle. That makes no sense huh? I'm not making a whole lot of sense lately. I don't know what is going on with me. I'm trying my best to go with the flow, to let God lead me through this process and basically just let him be in control. I'm having a hard time with this though. We went to church this past sunday and I like the message even though the guest preacher wasn't all that for me. She had a pretty good approach and it made me think, "Do I want to be made well" but she didn't move me all the way. There was a girl who performed a mime performance to a song we sang as a group and she moved me. I wanted to cry but Nai was sitting next to me and I didn't want her to pick at me about it. The song was called When I think about the Lord and it was very moving. I need to look it up and download it. I want to listen to it again and again.

I still don't know what is going on with my so called career. I really think I am going to out and out lose the house cause no one is coming to see it now. I don't think the person who was interested will be willing to wait or haggle with the mortgage company for four months. I hope they will so at least the house will be sold and not foreclosed on. Like I said before, I'm trying not to worry or obssess about it and giving it all to the Lord to work out.

I took the stess management class at the unemployment office today and as I thought, it was a waste of time. I did get out of the house and what the counselor had to say made sense but lately stuff is just going over my head. I seem to be having problems connecting and really caring about stuff. I just want to move out of this house and start over and try to make my way in the world again. I feel like a failure for having to leave like this but like the counselor said, worry about stuff you can control and place and make plans that keeps you from reacting but responding. Shoot, I think since we got laid off all I have been doing is reacting. I think I really should have thought things through better and tried to see if I could reduce the mortgage first before putting it up for sale. But I thought it would be better to get it on the market and maybe have some one take interest before we had to get out. Well, the mortgage company isn't cooperating, they are dragging their feet all because I am current with my payments. Ain't that some stuff! I'm trying to be honorable and keep paying and they don't want to move on anything.

I guess I should be glad I did make moves to cover us so we would have somewhere to live instead of waiting to the last minute cause like I said the job search is going no where. It is like the stuff I qualify for I apply but no one calls and then other stuff is way out of reach cause I don't have the experience. I just don't know what to do. Should I go back to school for some menial job like in the medical field or try to write. Man don't get me started on the writing. I can't make myself do it. I want to be an author in the worst way but where is my motivation??

pain

I have experienced pain like no other this past week when I hurt my back doing yard work. I'm not sure how and why this happened but I could not believe the horrible timing for this to happen. I'm in the process of trying to sell my house and find a new career or new employment since being laid off in February. I was trying to do some things to make the yard look better and do some much needed grass cutting and bam! I stated bumbling about while I was trying to use the weedeater and man did I feel the pain.

I lost all kinds of cool points around Nai because I cried my heart out in front of her because of the intense pain. She admitted that seeing me cry made her afraid. I guess seeing my mean butt cry like a baby made her realize that I had feelings just like her! I had to lean on her heavily over the weekend because I couldn't do anything with out crying or being in pain. I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all weekend and she ate leftovers or noodles.

This happened to me when I was pregnant but it didn't last so long because I saw a therapist right away. The second time, I saw a therapist and I can't remember how long I was in pain but I don't think it was this bad. I feel like my lower back and spine is trying to fall apart at times. The crazy thing is in two weeks I will loose my health benefits and what will i do then?

My comfort zone is totally gone I feel so fearful but I am trying my best to stay faithful and believe that God will see me through my difficult times. I am a victor and not a victim. I guess at least through my hard times I am getting closer to God like I had always told myself I would do.

Laters,

Ho Hum

Well, its another boring day but blessed day in my world. We had a showing today and we had one yesterday but again the floor plan and backyard is not impressing anyone. I really hope my mortgage company will accept the terms that the one person who wants this house applied. The way I see it, they may loose money either way but at least they will get something if the house sells. I hope it does.

On the job front nothing is going on for real. I did have some interest yesterday but it was for a job in Dallas but the hours were between 1pm to 1am second shift. I'm not doing that. The pay was 10 bucks and I would have to have extra daycare for Nai. So not great. Well, if one company wants me maybe another will be interested. I just wish I would get up off my duff and just to write, to finish what I have started and see what happens!

The positions for copywriter and technical writer seem to be off my radar since I don't have any experience in those fields. I need get it together!!!!

Peace

moving on

Well, I went to see the housing counselor again today to finish up some prep paperwork for in case we get a buyer. I'm trying my best to stay hopeful, faithful and upbeat about this hold procedure but it is hard. I still don't know what I should do about trying to move or just stay and hope if I go for this teacher gig that I will have a job and still be able to make payments until a buyer is found.

For things to be complete I am praying for a buyer cause I don't want to walk away and get a major ding on my credit. I seriously need a budgeting class and to let go of some of the amenities like cable, Internet and phone to reduce my expenses. These are things I have been looking at for a while but just don't want to get rid of cause I'm being difficult. I guess as Dave Ramsey says, If you want to live like no one else; you have to live like no one else.

There are so many things that needs to be done to the house to make it look better but I just don't want to spend the money or put the work in. Shoot if I had put the work in two years ago stuff wouldn't be so bad. Well, as Joel Osteen would say stop looking in the past and move forward. That is why the post is called moving on. I am gearing myself up to move on and try to move upward. Get things in line to be better for Nai and I. I just pray I have the strength to do the things I know need to be done.

Peace