Huh?

Well, this are progressing like a mud slide on a flat yard. This are getting muddy but no one is stepping in the puddle. That makes no sense huh? I'm not making a whole lot of sense lately. I don't know what is going on with me. I'm trying my best to go with the flow, to let God lead me through this process and basically just let him be in control. I'm having a hard time with this though. We went to church this past sunday and I like the message even though the guest preacher wasn't all that for me. She had a pretty good approach and it made me think, "Do I want to be made well" but she didn't move me all the way. There was a girl who performed a mime performance to a song we sang as a group and she moved me. I wanted to cry but Nai was sitting next to me and I didn't want her to pick at me about it. The song was called When I think about the Lord and it was very moving. I need to look it up and download it. I want to listen to it again and again.

I still don't know what is going on with my so called career. I really think I am going to out and out lose the house cause no one is coming to see it now. I don't think the person who was interested will be willing to wait or haggle with the mortgage company for four months. I hope they will so at least the house will be sold and not foreclosed on. Like I said before, I'm trying not to worry or obssess about it and giving it all to the Lord to work out.

I took the stess management class at the unemployment office today and as I thought, it was a waste of time. I did get out of the house and what the counselor had to say made sense but lately stuff is just going over my head. I seem to be having problems connecting and really caring about stuff. I just want to move out of this house and start over and try to make my way in the world again. I feel like a failure for having to leave like this but like the counselor said, worry about stuff you can control and place and make plans that keeps you from reacting but responding. Shoot, I think since we got laid off all I have been doing is reacting. I think I really should have thought things through better and tried to see if I could reduce the mortgage first before putting it up for sale. But I thought it would be better to get it on the market and maybe have some one take interest before we had to get out. Well, the mortgage company isn't cooperating, they are dragging their feet all because I am current with my payments. Ain't that some stuff! I'm trying to be honorable and keep paying and they don't want to move on anything.

I guess I should be glad I did make moves to cover us so we would have somewhere to live instead of waiting to the last minute cause like I said the job search is going no where. It is like the stuff I qualify for I apply but no one calls and then other stuff is way out of reach cause I don't have the experience. I just don't know what to do. Should I go back to school for some menial job like in the medical field or try to write. Man don't get me started on the writing. I can't make myself do it. I want to be an author in the worst way but where is my motivation??